Did you hear about the old man and woman that was watching the TV preacher. The preacher said he could heal the sick and asked those in the audience to place their hand on the part of the body that they needed to be healed.

So the lady placed her hand over her heart, because she had been having some heart problems.

Her husband put his and over his crotch.

The woman looked at her husband and shook her head and said

"He said heal the sick, not raise the DEAD!!!"

My Uncle lived well up into his 90's and one day I asked him what he attributed his long life and good health to?

He said "Every morning when I get up and eat my breakfast, I sprinkle a spoon full of gun powder over my cereal".

I said "Ok that's interesting."

Well he ended up living to 98 and left behind 8 children, 23 grand children, and 46 great grand children

and a 8 foot hold in the side of the crematorium!!!

My cousin and I used to work together and one morning he was complaining about his stomach hurting.

Well I told him what was wrong, I said "Your stomach is empty, there's nothing in it and after we eat lunch it will quit hurting".

He said "Ok."

Just like I said, after he ate his stomach quit hurting and he was fine.

Later that afternoon he started complaining about his head hurting.

I told him, "There's nothing you can do about that,

because your head has always been empty!!!

My cousin doesn't have too much luck with women. He had a girl that he was dating and he thought it was getting pretty serious.

So he went out and bought her a really nice ring and was going to ask her to marry him.

He took her out to a nice restraunt and there they were sitting down and he poped the question.

She told him she was sorry but that she had fallen in love with another man and couldn't marry him.

My cousin asked her who this guy was? She wouldn't tell him.

My cousin asked her again for just his name or a telephone number or address?

She said "No you are probably going to go and beat him up.

My cousin said "No, I'm not going to beat him up,

I just want to try and sell him this here ring!!!

Did you hear about what happen at the Senior Citizens Hall last week? Well they had a Hypnotist as their entertainment for the evening.

So the Hypnotist took out his watch and told the crowd to look closely at the spinning watch.

It was spinning and he said "Now you are all getting sleepy, sleepy, Your eyes are getting heavy, you are falling asleep.

Just then the watch came loose from it's chain and fell to the floor.

The Hypnotist said "CRAP!!!"

It took them three days to clean the place up!!!

Did you hear about the preacher that was worried about his teenage son the boy didn't seem to know what he wanted to do when he grew up.

So the preacher figured out a way to find out what his son would do when he grew up.

The next morning he came up with a plan, on the kitchen table he placed 4 items, A Bible, a silver dollar, a glass of whiskey, and a playboy magazine.

If the boy picked up the bible he was going to be a preacher like his father, that would be fine, if he picked up the silver dollar he would be a business man, that would be good too. If he drank the whiskey he would be a drunkard, that would be bad and if he looked at the playboy magazine he would be a womanizer, that would be worse.

The preacher hid behind the door and waited for his son to come down and see the items. When he came down the boy noticed the 4 items on the table and walked right over to them and first picked up the bible and put it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and put it in his pocket. Then he drank the whiskey and open up the playboy and started looking at the pictures.

The preacher hung his head down and thought,

Oh my he's going to run for congress!!!

Theres a new rule about balding if you are bald on the top, you're a thinker

If you are bald in the front, you're a lover.

If you are bald on the top and the front

You think you're a lover!!!!

My Poor old Uncle Bart he went to his Doctor and found out that he only had 6 months to live.

Uncle Bart asked the Doctor "Doc isn't there anything you can do for me?"

Doctor says "Well you could marry my sister."

Bart asked "How is that going to help me live any longer?"

Doctor says "It won't but 6 months with my sister will seem like a lifetime."

Today's airlines are getting pretty dangerous Lisa and I took a trip a few weeks ago and we got through the terminal all right and got on the plane ok.

The plane taxied down the runway and we thought it was about to take off when it turned around and came back to the terminal.

So here was sat for a long time and finally the plane started moving again and away we went.

Well we took off ok and was on our way when the Stewardess came on the loud speacher and said

"Sorry about the delay, but the pilot thought he heard something wrong with the plane, so we went back to the terminal and got another pilot.

I hear southwest pilot's have a new policy. They are all going to carry a parachute with them on every flight.

Then if they have any trouble with the plane they can bale out and go for help!!!!

Did you hear about the man that decided he wanted to be saved? He told his preacher that he wanted to get right with the lord.

His preacher says "Well you need to be baptized then."

Man says "Ok, what do I need to do."

His preacher says "Well you come down to the lake and we'll get you baptized."

So the next day they head down to the lake and the preacher gets the man out in the lake and dunks him under, then brings him up and says "Did you see Jesus?"

Man says "No I didn't see him."

His preacher says "Well I have to dunk again."

This time the preacher holds they guy down about 15 seconds and then brings him up and asks "Did you see Jesus this time." Man says "No I didn't see him."

This time the preacher dunks the guy under and holds him down for a good 30 seconds and then brings him up and asks they guy "Did you see Jesus this time?"

Man says "Well no I still didn't see him,

are you sure this is where he went under?"

Did you hear about the man that called up his wife and told her that he was just had to go on a fishing trip with his boss. He told his wife that she knows that hes been wanting that big promotion and he just had to go!!

His wife says "Well that's ok honey, do you need anything?"

Man says "Yes, could you pack my red silk pajamas."

His wife thinks to herself, that is stange, but says "Ok honey no problem."

Man leaves on his fishing trip and when he gets home his wife askes him how it went?

Man says "Oh it went great, we caught tons of fish."

Wife says "Thats great!!"

But the husband askes "But honey why didn't you pack my red silk pajamas?"

Wife says "I did they were in your tackle box!!!"

Did you hear about the Englishman, the Scottsman and the Irishman that went into the pub for a beer.

Well when they got their beers they all had a fly in them!!

The English man says, "I'm not drinking this and sent it back."

The Scottsman sees the fly but just picks it out and drinks the beer anyway.

The Irishman reached down and grabs the fly by the wings and starts to tap the fly on the back

and says "Spit it out!!! spit it out!!!

Did you hear about the young bride, she got married and went off on her honeymoon.

When she got home she calls her mom and tells her that the honeymoon was great, but now her husband has started using the worst language.

Her mother says, "Calm down honey, now exactly whats the problem."

"Oh mother it's terrible!!!! He has been using these horrible four letter words."

Mother asks, "Well just what four letter words is he using."

Daughter asks, "Oh Mamma,

He's using words like Dust, Wash, Iron and Cook!!!!
Mother says, "Honey I'll be right over to get you!!!"

There was a captain of a wooden sailing ship who was in the middle of a navel war. The look out yells, "Captian, I see an enemy war ship coming".

Captain yells at his Steward, "Bring me my red shirt".

So the Steward brings him his red shirt and they fight the battle and win.

Steward asks the captian why he wanted his red shirt?

Captain says, "Because if I am wounded during the battle the men won't notice the blood and they will keep on fighting."

Just then the look out yells, "Catpain, I see 10 enemy ships coming." The Captian yells at his Steward,

"Bring me my brown pants."

I got my wife a Valentine Card I decided to just be honest this year.

It read, "I'm FAT, you're FAT, meet me in the kitchen in 15 minutes!!!

My wife said the other night that we were going to have Rump Roast for dinner, I asked her why they called it rump roast?

She told me that if they called it Cow Butt nobody would ever buy it.

Did you know that Walmart was going to open a Denist office really they are going to open two,

One regular Denist and then an express Denist for people with ten teeth or less.

Did you hear about our bass player, Wayne Leslie, he finally got a ticket to the super bowl!!!! Well he got there and found his seat, but it way up there. As high and far away from the field as you could get.

So he sat down and was looking around and noticed a empty seat right down on the 50 yard line.

He watched and watched the seat and no one ever sit in it.

So he thought what the heck, I'll just go down and ask the people on either side if anyone is sitting there.

So he did and both men said he was welcome to sit there.

This was a great seat, finally he asked the one man if he knew who's seat this was?

The man said "That was my wife's seat, we would always come to the super bowl together but she had passed away."

Wayne says "Oh my, I'm so sorry, but couldn't you get any of your friends or relatives to take the seat?"

The guy says "I couldn't, they're all at her funeral!!!"

Did you hear about that guy that was always late!!!! One evening his wife sent him down to the beach to get some snails for a special dish she was going to make for dinner.

So the guy goes down to the beach and picks a bucket of snails for his wife.

He was about to head back when he saw this beautiful woman walking along the beach.

She finally came by him and he said "Hi." and she says "Hi." and then they started talking.

Well here they are walking and talking on the beach and of coarse the guy lost track of time.

When he finally looks at his watch it's late, way past dinner time.

He hurries home and gets back to his house and came running up the walk and drops the bucket full of snails and they scatter all up and down the walk.

About that time his wife comes out the door and she is very upset.

The guy looks at his wife, then looks back at the snails

and says "Come on boys we're almost there!!!"

A truck driver was driving throught Kansas City and when he stopped at a stop light a blond woman that had stopped behind him ran up and knocked on his window The truck driver rolled down his window.

The blond said "Hi, my name is Heather and you are loosing some of your load."

Truck driver rolls up his window and drives on, then as he stopped at the next light here comes the blond again.

She says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are loosing some of your load."

Truck driver rolls up his window and drives on, then as he stopped again at the next light here comes the blond again.

She says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are loosing some of your load."

Then as they stop at the next stop light the truck driver gets out of his truck and runs back to the blonds car

and says "Hi, my name is John and here in Missouri in the winter time we have ice and snow and we spread salt on the roads to melt the Ice!! and thats the load I'm loosing."

Al Gore, Hillary and Bill Clinton All went to heaven and were standing before God on his Throne.

God turnes to Al and asks "What do you believe Al?"

Al says "Well I believe that I won the 2000 election and that I should be president but I know that it was your will and I understand that now."

God says "Very good Al, come and sit here on my left."

God turns to Bill and asks "What do you believe Bill?"

Bill says "I believe in forgiveness and that I have sined, but I never held a grudge against anyone and I hope no grudges are held against me."

God says "Very good Bill, come and sit here on my right."

God turns to Hillary and asks "What do you believe Hillary?"

Hillary says "I believe your in my Chair."

Did you hear about the guy that just bought a new house and kept having problems with it

First week he had to have an electircian come and fix some wiring problems.

Next week his roof started leaking and had to call a roofer.

Then his wife broke a door jam and had to call a carpenter.

Then he came home from work early one afternoon and there was a plumbers truck parked in his drive.

He thought, god let my wife be having an affair

I can't afford any more repairs.

Did you hear about the Heart surgen and the auto mechanic that got in a argument over pricing

Mechanic says "You just charge way too much, I don't get nearly that much money for working on a man's car."

Doctor says "Well I think I earn my pay, you just try doing your work with the engine running."

Man goes to the doctor complaining that he can't sleep, So the doctor starts runing tests on him.

The doctor runs every test he can think of but doesn't find any thing wrong with they guy.

Doctor says "I think it's just stress, you have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you."

Guy says "I understand Doc, but my wife refused to sleep alone."

A Grandmother comes to visit her daughter and small grandson for Christmas. When she arrives the grandson runs out to meet her and gives her a big hug and tells her how glad he is to see her.

She says "Well I'm glad to see you too."

The little boy says "Now daddy will do that trick hes been promising us."

Grandmother says "What trick is that?"

Little boy says "Daddy has been telling mommy that he's going to climb the walls if you come to visit again!!!

Lisa and I went Christmas shopping yesterday to buy a gift for our nieces.

We were looking at the Barbie dolls,

You could get Malibu Barbie, she was $12.00, she comes with a bathing suit and a towel,

You could get Ballerina Barbie, she was $23.00, she came with a tutu and a cassette tape,

Then you could get divorced Barbie, she was $1200.00.

She came with Ken's Car, Ken's boat, and Ken's house.

Lisa and I were sitting at home watching the 10:00 news when a story comes on about a guy jumping off of a 10 story building.

The Camera zooms in on the guy and they start telling about it and I say "Lisa I'll bet you $20.00 that they guy jumps."

She says "Ok."

So we watch on and they guy does jump.

Lisa jumps up and runs to get her purse to pay me the $20.00, but I stop her and say "No Lisa you don't owe me the money, I cheated I heard the story on the radio this afernoon and I knew that he jumped."

Lisa says "Well I saw it on the 6:00 news but I think he would jump again."

God created the world, garden of eden and Eve. One day we went down to the garden of eden and asked the Eve how things were going?

Eve says "Well everything is fine but you gave me three breasts and the middle one pushes the other two out and it's very awkward."

God says "Ok we can take care of that, he just takes the middle breast right off and throws if over in the brush." and that fixes that.

A few weeks later God come back down to the garden of eden and again askes Eve how things are going?

Eve says "Well everything is great, the sun sets are beautiful, I love the garden, but every other creature has a mate, I'm all alone here."

God says "Well I can fix that, I'll make you a mate. I'll need something to make you a male out of.

Now were did I throw that old boob?"

this beats the heck out of the old rib theory!!!

Red Neck decides he's got to many kids, he has twelve so goes to a doctor and tells the doctor he needs to stop having kids, he needs to have a Vasectomy.

Doctor says "You don't need a vasectomy, just take a pop can light a cherry bomb, drop it in and count to ten."

The Red neck doesn't see how that will work so he goes to another doctor.

Doctor says "You don't need a vasectomy, just take a pop can light a cherry bomb, drop it in and count to ten."

Red neck thinks will this is two doctor's so it must be ok.

He gets a pop can and a cherry bomb, lights the cherry bomb drops it in the pop can and starts to count on his fingers one, two, three, four, five, then he puts the can between his legs and starts counting on the other hand six, seven, eight, nine, ten, boom!!!!

People attending Church one day, are all shocked when the door opens up and the Devil walks in.

People are running out the doors and jumping out of windows all scared of the Devil.

Finally there is just the Preacher and one old Cowboy left in the Church.

The Devil looks at the Preacher and says "I know why you're here". Then turns to the old Cowboy and askes "Why are you here, aren't you afraid of me?".

The Cowboy said, "No."

Devil askes "Well why aren't you are me?"

Cowboy says "Because I've been married to your sister for 30 years."

Man and wife goes on a Vacation to Florida, but the wife is delayed a day because of her job.

So the man gets to Florida, gets checked in to the hotel and decides to send his wife a e-mail to let her know he's arrived safe and is checked in to the hotel and will see her tomorrow.

But he can't remember her e-mail address so he does his best from memory, unfortunately he missed one letter and the e-mail is sent to a elderly preacher's wife whose husband just passed away the day before.

When the grieving widow read the e-mail she screamed and she passed out.

The e-mail read

Dearest Wife, just got Checked in. Everything is prepared for your Arrival tomorrow.
Your Loving husband.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.

Growing old is Mandatory

but growing up is optional

Two Scottish Nuns come to New York City they had always heard the the American's eat dog

So the first Nun says "Well we might as well learn to fit in."

So they see a Hot Dog vented and order two hot dog.

They both unrap there hot dogs.

First Nun looks at her's and asks, "What part did you get?"

Man and his wife on Vacation in the Middle East and a Arab comes up and tells the man that he'll give him a hundred Camels for his wife

Man thinks for a while and then says "No thanks."

Guy's wife says, "What took you So long?"

Man says, "I was just figuring what a hundred camels would be worth back home."

Man goes to a Doctor and says "Doc I want to live a long time, how can I do that?"

Doctor says, "Well do you Smoke?"

Guy says, "Yes, about a pack a day."

Doctor says, "Well you have to quit smoking."

Doctor asks, "Do you drink?

Guy says, "Well yes I have a few drinks now and then."

Doctor says, "You have to give that up."

Doctor asks, "What about your diet?"

Guy says, "I eat about anything I want."

Doctor says, "You have to cut our sugar, salt, meat, anything that tastes good, don't eat it."

Doctor asks, "Are you Married?"

Guy says, "Yes."

Doctor asks, "Do you make love to your wife?"

Guy says, "Yes we have a good love life."

Doctor says, "Well you have to stop that."

Guy asks, "Will all this help me live a long time?"

Doctor says, "I don't know for sure but what ever time you do have left will seem like an Eternity!!.

Oklahoma and Arkansas are having a border War, those Arkansas red necks keep throwing Dynamite over the river into Oklahoma.

The Okies will just light it and through it right back!!!.

A Red Necks Throwing goes to see a shrink because he can't sleep. He just keeps waking up all night thinking there is a something under his bed.

The physiatrist says I can cure you but it will take about a year of therapy.

Red neck says but Doc, I can't afford that you charge 80 bucks an hour.

So the Red Neck leaves and a few weeks later the Doctor sees the buy on the street and asks him about his problem.

Red Neck says I'm cured Doc and it only cost me Ten bucks!!!

Doctor says you have to tell who and how did this happen?

Red Neck says, well my bar tender cured me, and for just Ten bucks.

Doctor asks well how did he cure you?

He just told me to saw the legs off my bed and "there can't be nothing under bed now!!!.

Two Red Necks were watching a fire truck go by when they noticed a Dalmatian dog sitting in the front seat of the fire truck.

First red neck said, wonder what he does for the firemen?

Second red neck says "They use him to keep crowds back,"

Other one say "No, there just there for good luck."

First red neck says, “I know why they use the dogs," he said firmly, "To find the fire Hydrant".

Two Red Necks decided they needed to go to College

But first they find out they have to take a test

So they go and take the test and the first Question is "Old McDonald had a _______

First Red Neck thought and thought but couldn't figure it out?? So he asked the second Red Neck

The Second Red Necks says "Don't you know anything, it's FARM!!! Stupid, Old McDonald had a FARM!!

So they first Red Neck says "Ok". Then thinks some more and decides he just don't know how to spell Farm. So he asked the Second Red Neck, how you spell Farm?

The Second Red Neck say, "My goodness you are stupid, Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."

  Home  

  Wayne Hoover     Countryside Hall     Last Shows  

  Links     Countrysiders      Jokes